


Breathe for One More Day

by dragonflyMerri



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-23
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2017-11-05 21:03:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflyMerri/pseuds/dragonflyMerri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>March 16th marks the one year anniversary of Will’s death. Will, who was Merlin’s heart and soul, his reason for living. And on March 16th, the one year anniversary of Will’s death, Merlin is planning to join him. Until then, he has to set everything in order, including helping Arthur find his way to Gwen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The alarm rang and Merlin reached out and turned it off. He was awake already, had been for some time now. 285. Today marked 285 days since Will died.

Merlin got out of bed and walked over to his wall calendar. Taking a black pen, he marked off one more day. One more day away from the worst day of his life. One more day that he had survived the emptiness, the loneliness, the loss, the deadness inside. 285 days since he had last kissed Will, since had told him for the final time ‘I love you’. 

Merlin put the pen down, then turned back the pages on the calendar. Back to March 16th. Back to the day Will died. Holding two fingers up to his lips, he closed his eyes and thought of Will, then kissed his fingers. He placed his fingers, and the kiss on March 16th. “I love you Will” he whispered. Then he put the pages back so the calendar once again showed the current month. 285 days since Will died.

Everyone thinks Merlin is coping well. They had all worried so much when he had fallen apart after Will’s death. They had all been there for him, but they had all been the wrong ones – none of them were Will, because Will was gone. Will was dead. But they had been there, propping him up, keeping him alive, forcing him to carry on, and eventually, they had all started relaxing, remarking on how well he was coping.

But he wasn’t really. 

He was still hollow inside. He still went to bed and cried silent tears – silent so his roommates wouldn’t hear and come in to sit with him. He still dreamed vivid dreams of Will – Will still alive and laughing and loving him like no one else had ever loved him. He still woke up with the feel of Will’s arms around him, and then struggled to breath again when he realized the arms weren’t really there, would never be there ever again. He still screamed silent screams in the night, raging against the hurt and loss and the utter, complete despair. Silent screams of longing so loud that his throat was raw with unmade sounds. His fingers clawed at the sheets, because if they didn’t, they would claw at his own skin – trying to tear away the hurt, trying to claw out his own heart because it was still breaking into so many pieces that it would never mend back whole again.

He still woke up every morning dead inside. A shell, a brittle shell of emptiness and loneliness so deep he was drowning every second of every day. But the shell held him together, and no one ever knew.

The shell was his façade, a smiling, coping façade that he presented to the world, to everyone in his life so they didn’t worry about him, so he wouldn’t bother them. So they would see that he was moving on. Was coping with the death of Will. Was one more day away from the worst day of his life.

Merlin shuffled into the bathroom. He had perfected the art of his morning bathroom ritual without ever catching his eye in the mirror. Because, even if no one else could see it, he could always see – when he looked into his eyes in the mirror, he could always see the endless depths of never, ever having Will in his life, ever again. So he didn’t look. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair and washed his face and never once looked at his eyes. 

The last thing he did, before leaving the bathroom in the morning, was the make sure his façade was in place. He squared his shoulders and straightened his spine. He closed off the depths of his eyes, so no one could see how his soul was dying. He tilted the corners of his mouth so it could smile if required. He smoothed his expression, then he stepped out to face the world for one more day.

When Merlin stepped into the kitchen, Arthur and Gwaine were already there. Gwaine was seated at the table, eating his cereal and reading the newspaper. Arthur was pouring coffee into two mugs. Both men looked at him, checking him silently.

“Morning, Merlin. Alright then?” Gwaine asked with a smile.

“Morning, Gwaine. Yeah, I’m fine.” Liar his inner voice screamed.

“Morning Merlin. Need a ride this morning?” Arthur asked, passing him a mug of coffee, then taking a sip of his own mug.

Merlin glanced out the kitchen window. The sun was shining and it looked like it was going to be a lovely autumn day. Will loved the autumn, loved shuffling through the fallen leaves and throwing handfuls of them at Merlin, laughing as the leaves caught in Merlin’s hair.

“Thanks, but it looks like a nice day out. I’ll walk.” He smiled back at Arthur, careful not to catch his eye.

“Suit yourself, but if you need a ride home, give me a call. Don’t forget we’re meeting at the pub tonight for quiz night.”

Merlin nodded as he moved to start his toast. Arthur and Gwaine chatted about what was in today’s paper. 

Pub night. The whole gang. They’d all look him over, assessing if he was still coping, then they would just be there for him, supporting him with smiles and looks of encouragement. And he would smile back, and answer their silent enquiries with nods that yes, he was still holding it all together. 

He didn’t mind pub nights so much anymore. Once everyone had gotten over tiptoeing around him and his grief, their natural enjoyment of life and each other had reasserted itself and pub nights were once again noisy affairs full of laughter and, on quiz nights, arguments over correct answers. 

Merlin could lose himself in the noise for a brief while, and no one said anything about the fact he was much quieter now. He’d sit with his drink and let the chatter and laughter and general din of the pub wash over him. If someone talked to him directly, he answered them. But he didn’t join in the general discussions anymore. However he had found a way of keeping a small smile on his lips to show everyone that he was part of them, that he was enjoying the evening.

Arthur was the first to leave for work. He worked in management in his father’s corporate offices. Pendragon Inc. was one of the largest policy making firms in the UK, specializing in mergers and acquisitions. Merlin wasn’t really sure what they did, or what Arthur did for that matter. But Arthur seemed to love his job, so when he’d come home and blather on about his day, Merlin would nod in all the right places but by the end of the conversation, he still wouldn’t have a clue what Arthur was talking about.

Gwaine left shortly after. Gwaine worked at the London office of one of the top fashion magazines in Europe. He was a brilliant photographer and much in demand both at the magazine and freelancing. Merlin’s favourite photo of himself and Will was a candid shot that Gwaine had taken of them when they had all gone for a walk at the beach one day.

Arthur and Gwaine had taken him in after Will’s death. He’d not had a choice really, they’d both just showed up, bundled up him and his belongings and deposited him in their third bedroom. They said it was temporary, just until Merlin got his legs back under himself, but they had gone above and beyond in their care and compassion. They had taken turns sitting with him in his grief, and it was strictly due to their love and attention that he was back to being a functioning human being. 

Except he wasn’t really. But they didn’t know that. And they never would.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin left for work 15 minutes later. He pulled on his coat and slung his satchel bag over one shoulder. The bag contained his lunch, a book he was reading and the picture of Will that he loved so much. He carried the picture everywhere, to keep him close. 

It really was a beautiful fall day and he left early enough to take the long way around to work so he could walk through the park. He was glad he hadn’t accepted Arthur’s offer of a lift. 

Merlin smiled at the thought of Arthur. He was to have been Merlin’s best man at his wedding to Will, and in so many ways, Arthur was his best man. 

They had met during their first year at university and despite their differences in just about everything – from sports to what they studied, they had become firm friends when Arthur had intervened when one of his team mates had decided it would be fun to pick on the skinny, geeky architect student. While Arthur had deflected the physical bullying, Merlin’s quick wit and acerbic tongue had verbally reduced the bully to a confused mess who walked away with the promise of “Once I figure out what you just said, you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble mate!”

Arthur had made a valiant effort to stifle his laughter until Cenred turned the corner, then had exploded in laughter until tears ran down his face. Merlin had looked at him suspiciously.

“You understood what I said?”

“Oh mate,” gasped Arthur, trying to get himself under control. “You better hope he never figures out what you just called him.”

“No worries there – he probably won’t even remember half the words I used – probably not part of his 200 word vocabulary.”

Arthur had burst out laughing again and held out his hand. “Arthur Pendragon, and you mate, are someone I want to know.”

“Merlin Emrys.” Merlin shook Arthur’s hand. “You’re on the football team with that Neolithic Sasquatch who just left – how did you get so verbally dexterous?”

Arthur grinned at him. “Business major, specializing in policy and mergers. Have to know big words. Do you always talk like that? All big words?”

Merlin grinned at him. “Only when I’m on the offensive.” He pointed down at his body. “With a build like this, my wit and vocabulary are my only defense against walking steroid adverts like your friend Goliath.”

“Hey, not my friend, just my team mate.” Arthur held up his hands in protest. “Well, Merlin Emrys, I’ve got about an hour before my next class. Want to grab a coffee? I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. At the very least, you’ll exercise my brain with your effusive, loquacious verbage.”

Merlin’s eyes grew wide. “Ooooh, I am very impressed! Not only understands me, but can string together three big words in their proper usage! Unfortunately I’ve got class in 15 minutes. But if you’re free later, we could grab a pint at the pub?”

 

And that had been the start of what became a quickly made but firm friendship. Arthur had been one of the few friendships that didn’t even wobble when Merlin told him he was gay. He had simply shrugged his shoulder and said, “Whatever floats your boat.” When Merlin met and fell arse-over-tea kettle in love with Will, Arthur had been one of his firmest supporters. And when Will had proposed, it was only natural that Arthur was the only one Merlin had considered as his best man. 

 

When Merlin reached the park, he detoured off the path and walked under the trees, scuffing through the leaves. He’d only walked a few feet when he felt Will with him.

_‘Hi Will, I miss you.’ ___  
 _‘Hello love.’ Will laughed. ‘I love shuffling through the leaves.’ ___  
 _‘I know, that’s why I came here.’ ___

Merlin laughed softly to himself as he kicked up a pile of leaves. He knew Will wasn’t really here, knew he was only in his mind. But Will was always with him and if no one else knew he talked to him, well, it wasn’t any of their business, was it?

_‘Do you think I’m going crazy, Will? Talking to you all the time?’ ___  
 _‘You’re not crazy, love. You’re coping. Do you want me to leave?’ ___  
 _“No! Please, don’t leave me.’ ___  
 _“Then stop being sad. We have leaves, Merlin. Lots and lots of lovely leaves. Race you!’ ___

Merlin started running through the leaves, kicking them up as he ran. Only he knew Will was running with him.

 

When Merlin reached the library, he was a little out of breath and had a blush on his cheeks caused by the cold weather. As he entered, Gwen looked up from behind the checkout desk.

“Merlin, where have you been? You’re covered in leaves.” She laughed as she pointed to his pant legs.

“I walked through the park. It’s covered with leaves. We…I love walking through the leaves.” 

Merlin stepped outside again and brushed the leaves off his pants, pausing to capture one beautiful red leaf and put it in his bag. Then he headed back inside and to the back room where he worked as a research technician. He had a list of clients who regularly called him, mostly university students and professors, who needed to find sources for their own work. It was Merlin’s job to help them find whatever they were looking for, whether in the stacks or in online publications.

Merlin hadn’t always been a research technician. Before Will’s death, he had been an architect. But when Will had been hit by the car and had taken three excruciating days to die of his injuries, Merlin had given up his job. At first, he had been given bereavement leave, then he had used up all his holidays and sick days, then finally he had quit. The money he and Will were saving for their wedding and honeymoon kept him going until he could face the world again. 

Arthur and Gwaine taking him in hand also helped. Three weeks after Will’s funeral, they had simply shown up at the apartment, and brought him back to their shared house. When it became obvious that Merlin couldn’t function on his own, they had arranged to give up his lease, packed up his belongings and installed him permanently in the spare room. They had also refused to accept rent money from him while he wasn’t working.

Three months after Will died, Gwaine had helped him find the job as a researcher at the library. He had been dating Sophia who also worked at the library and had found out about the job from her.

Merlin hadn’t really known Gwaine all that well before moving in. He was one of Arthur’s childhood friends, and the two of them sharing a house had worked out well since Gwaine travelled a lot with his job and had a hard time keeping a lease on an apartment. The house had been a graduation gift to Arthur from his father and had four bedrooms and two sitting rooms. On the days when both Arthur and Gwaine brought home their girlfriends, they both had the privacy of their own sitting rooms. Merlin rarely left his bedroom.

Merlin reached his office – little more than a closet really, but big enough for a desk, chair and filing cabinet. He hung up his coat and satchel, letting his hand linger on the bag for just a moment. 

_‘I have to work now. I’ll talk to you later.’ ___  
 _‘Have a good day, Merlin. I’ll wait for you.’ ___

Merlin’s day progressed much like every other day. It was routine and almost boring, but it suited him, suited the level of awareness he allowed himself. The work demanded his attention so he could go for spells without thinking of Will, and he didn’t have to deal with lots of people. Most of his interactions with his clients were through email and the phone. During his lunch break, if it didn’t coincide with Gwen’s, like today, he stayed in his office and read his book. 

He was just finishing up his lunch when Gwen came in at the start of her lunch break. 

“Are you coming to quiz night at the pub tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah, Arthur asked me to.” Merlin saw a tell-tale blush sweep Gwen’s cheeks and he smiled. “I think he’s quite looking forward to seeing you again.”

“I don’t go just for Arthur, you know Merlin!”

Gwen really liked Arthur, and Arthur really liked Gwen, but the fact that Gwaine had once dated her, albeit briefly, made it a bit awkward for them to breach the ‘just friends’ barrier.

“So then he probably shouldn’t ask you out?”

Gwen’s eyes grew big and she bit her lip to hide a smile. “He wants to ask me out?”

“If he did, would you accept?”

Gwen smiled shyly. “Yes, yes I would. I think he’s quite splendid, don’t you?”

“He’s very special. You’d be very lucky to have a guy like him.”

Gwen ‘s smile slipped a little. “Are you sure he wants to ask me out? I mean, we’ve known each other now for a couple of months, but we only see each other at the pub or a friend’s houses. He’s really nice to me and we get along really well, but he’s never shown any interest in me that way.”

“It’s because you dated Gwaine.”

“But that was only for a few weeks.”

Merlin shrugged. “Still, it’s sort of an unwritten guy’s code – never date a girl your best friend dated first.”

“Well that’s stupid! If I hadn’t dated Gwaine, I’d never have met Arthur.”

“Tell you what – you look extra pretty tonight, and I’ll put a bug in Arthur’s ear that he should ask you out.”

Gwen gave a laugh and hugged Merlin. “Thank you, you’re the best friend ever. Tell him if he asks you know I’ll say yes.”

 

“I can’t ask Gwen out, Merlin. It wouldn’t be fair to Gwaine.” Arthur protested as they drove to the pub.

“Hey, don’t be using me as an excuse, Pendragon!” Gwaine stopped him. “You’ve been mooning over her for weeks now. Put on your big boy pants and ask her out, already.”

“I know she likes you, Arthur. I’m sure if you ask her, she’ll say yes,” Merlin piped in from the back seat.

Arthur sighed. “There’s a code, Merlin…”

“Don’t you dare say ‘bro’s before ho’s’!” Gwaine cut in. “If you had a hot girl that I fancied, I would cut you dead in your tracks and run over your still squirming body to get her. So just ask Gwen already. Put us all out of your misery!”

Merlin and Arthur both gaped at Gwaine.

“Good to know where I stand with you.” Arthur groused as they reached pulled into the pub parking lot.

 

Gwen and a couple of other friends were already at their usual table. With a bit of jostling around, Gwaine and Merlin managed to maneuver Arthur into sitting beside Gwen. Also at the table were Lance, who worked with Arthur, and his new date, Vivian, who was introduced to everyone.

The evening progressed with lots of laughter and good natured kibitzing. Merlin noticed that Arthur paid more attention to Gwen then anyone else and he smiled to himself. Arthur and Gwen would make a wonderful couple, they would be good for each other. They would help each other and support each other when….

Merlin deliberately pulled his mind away from that train of thought. He let the noise wash over him.

_‘Will, are you still there?’ ___

_‘I’m here love, go back and have a good time. I’ll wait.’ ___

 

The table was in the midst of an argument about an answer to question #7 when Vivian looked up and shouted, “Will! Oh my god, it’s Will. I haven’t seen you for so long I thought you were dead!” She laughed and jumped up to greet her friend.

She was too new to the group to notice the reaction her cry caused.

Merlin’s face lost all colour as he blindly turned around to look, hoping against hope for a miracle. But of course, miracles don’t really happen. And the dead don’t come back to life.

As Vivian jumped up to greet her friend, Merlin turned back and remembered to breath again. A ferocious trembling took over his body and he started hyperventilating. Realizing he was going into a full blown panic, Merlin stumbled from the table and into the bathroom. Behind him, Arthur and Gwaine cursed Vivian’s stupidity and Gwen called his name.

Thank God there was no one else in the bathroom. Merlin stumbled to the sink and braced himself over it, trying to calm his breathing and stop his stomach from heaving. There was a roar in his ears and his vision had narrowed down to pinpricks of light.

_‘Will! Oh god, Will, where are you?’ ___

“Merlin! Are you alright?” Arthur burst into the bathroom. 

Seeing Merlin desperately trying to hold himself together, Arthur stepped behind him and pulled him into a hug. 

“It’s okay, Merlin, it’s going to be okay.”

“I want to go home, please, I want to go home.” Merlin whispered frantically, staring at the sink.

“Don’t go, Merlin. Just calm down and come back and join us.”

Merlin shook his head. “I need to go home, I want to go home.”

“Merlin, please….”

Merlin lurched to the door. “I need to go home. I’ll walk home.”

Merlin wrenched the door open but Arthur caught his arm.

“Wait, you can’t walk home. I’ll drive you.”

Merlin nodded then headed straight out of the pub. Arthur detoured to their table to grab their coats, telling the group he was driving Merlin home and would be back. Gwen looked ready to burst into tears, Gwaine looked furious and Vivian completely bewildered.

 

In car, Merlin stared resolutely out the side window, not seeing anything, his body taunt with the pressure of holding himself together, silent tears sliding down his face. Arthur talked at him, explaining to deaf ears that Vivian didn’t know, hadn’t meant anything by what she’d done. Realizing that Merlin needed time to himself, Arthur told him he would just drop him at the house and go back to the pub.

As soon as the car stopped in front of the house, Merlin flung the door open and ran up the pathway. It took him three attempts to get the key in the door. Once inside, he slammed the door and, blinded by tears, staggered into his bedroom. The bedroom door closed as he collapsed on floor, curled in on himself in an effort to protect himself from the crushing pain. He finally cried out loud, great wrenching cries in desperate, gasping sobs for the hope that had crushed him all over again. 

“Will,” he gasped out between sobs, “I can’t do this anymore. Please Will, I want to come home, please Will, please.” 

Merlin reached out a hand, trying to grasp something, someone, who was no longer there. From the moment Merlin had met Will, he had become his home, the only home Merlin ever wanted.

_'Not yet, love. Hold on just a little bit longer.' Will’s voice whispered in his ear. ___

“I can’t, I can’t Will. It hurts too much.” Merlin curled his fists against his chest, pressing in hard, trying to ease the stabbing pain.

_'I know, love, I know. But you need to hold on just a bit longer.” Will’s voice soothed him, crooning softly. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll be here waiting for you.' ___

“I thought it was you,” Merlin cried heartbroken. “I thought you had come back to me.”

_'I’ve never left you, love. Don’t cry so, Merlin, I love you. I will always love you. Shhhh, love, don’t cry so.' Will’s voice murmured softly, caressingly. ___

Merlin sagged in surrender. His sobs inconsolable. “Please Will,” he whispered into the carpet, “Please, Will.”

_'Alright, love, you can come home. But not yet. Not yet. There are things you have to do first, love. Once everything is set right, you can come home. I’ll be waiting for you. Hush now, Merlin, don’t cry so, I love you, I love you.' ___

 

Merlin woke up the next morning heavy headed, but the storm of emotion had exhausted him so much that he had slept solidly for the first time in a long, long time. Pushing off the blanket, he sighed as he noticed he was still wearing the clothes he had worn to the pub. Standing, he stripped them off before moving to the wall calendar. 286. 

286 days since the worst day in his life. One more day that he had survived the emptiness, the loneliness, the loss, the deadness inside. 286 days since he had last kissed Will, since had told him for the final time ‘I love you’. He put the pen down, then turned back the pages on the calendar. Back to March 16th. Back to the day Will died. Holding two fingers up to his lips, he closed his eyes and thought of Will, then kissed his fingers. He placed his fingers, and the kiss on March 16th. “I love you Will” he whispered. Then he put the pages back so the calendar once again showed the current month. 286 days since Will died.

Merlin grabbed clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Merlin entered the kitchen to find Arthur sitting at the table with his mug of coffee, reading the papers. He looked up as soon as Merlin entered, his eyes narrowing as they searched Merlin’s face.

“Hi,” Merlin smiled shyly and glanced back at him from under his lowered lashes. “Sorry about last night.”

“It’s OK. Sometimes you just need to grieve, yeah?” Arthur smiled back comfortingly.

Merlin shrugged one shoulder. “At least now I’m only a basket case once a month or so,” he joked weakly.

“Hey – you be a basket case whenever you need to be. There’s no timetable to this whole process.”

Merlin slumped onto a chair, arms on the table, and dropped his head into his hands. “It was just…” he sighed, scrubbing his eyes. “When Vivian called out Will’s name, for a moment…. for one crazy moment….I hoped, I thought maybe it was my Will. That my Will had come back….”

“Merlin – “

“Oh, I know, Arthur, believe me, I know. My Will is gone. He’s never coming back. But…a guy can hope, ya know? The heart can’t help hoping…”

Arthur reached out and squeezed Merlin’s arm. “It’ll get better, Merlin. Just hang in there, OK.”

Merlin dragged up a weak smile from somewhere and nodded. Then stood up to pour himself a coffee. He tried for a change of conversation.

“I never heard you come home last night. How was the rest of the evening?”

“It worked out great.” 

Merlin turned to look at Arthur and saw a blush spreading over his cheeks and neck.

“Arthur?”

“I asked Gwen out and she said yes. Then we went for a drive and stayed up until just after 4am talking.”

“Just talking?”

Arthur blushed again. “Talking and um….”

“Oh, you ‘ummmmed’”

“No, we didn’t ‘umm’, just talked and got to know each other better. And there might have been a few kisses…”

“Kisses are good.”

“Yeah, Gwen’s kisses are good.”

The two men grinned at each other. 

“So when do you see each other again?”

“I’m taking her out for dinner tonight.”

Merlin smiled. “Don’t forget flowers. Gwen loves pink roses.”

Later that day, Merlin sat at his desk and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper. He started writing….

_Dear Arthur, ___  
 _First, thank you for rescuing me…. ___

TBC


End file.
